a dish called LOVE

Written @ 3:26 AM

Dear Diary,

I'm breaking down again. I had a big fight with ♥ just now and I swear it sucks to the very max. I know ♥ care for me a lot, I know he do. Getting all worried for me the whole day yesterday cause I wasn't feeling well with bad and horrible headaches and cramps. Dropping me sms-es and msn-ing me with love and care. All I did was turned him off... ♥ also tried his best to keep me all accompanied during the day before he went to work in the evening and after his work in the midnight. All ♥ want is to pamper me for a bit..., and yet I turned him off again. I know I'm a very bad girl.... But ♥, don't you realised that I am much more dependent on you? I'm just too afraid to think of all those "what if". I know we both know the truth clearly deep down in our heart..., yet that's the thing which I feared the most. I'm too afraid to think of what if you're not around by my side anymore? What am I supposed to do? How I'm going to live my days without you? Who is going to hug me when I'm feeling alone and sad? Where will that familiar face of yours be which I misses. That very presence of yours...., I really don't even dare to think about it. But yet crying is all I can fucking do when I think about all this question... I know it's ridiculous and unreasonable of me to tell you that "♥, I want you to be by my side forever till we both grow old..." But..., can't I be wilful just for this and ♥, you give in to me? All I ever do is fucking cry and turned you off and that's all because I don't know how to put it to you... I can't even bring myself to face it..., face all this... I can't be prepared for it..., I can't... I didn't want to argue, fight or even quarrel with you. Afraid that it would only lead to the same conclusion we used to had in the past for several times. Just too afraid, my ♥. Don't you get it? That's why I did all I could to avoid argues, fights and quarrels. I wouldn't mind if ♥ don't pamper me at all..., I really don't. I just want ♥ to be by my side always, and never to take a step away from me... I want ♥ to be still kicking alive some where where I can see and feel... Just that I'm more than contented. Besides that I can don't want anything from you, ♥.

Yours sincerely,
JW